Four years ago, Isaac and I got married in Prague, Czech Republic. It was a small ceremony with just a few close friends and an after party at a pour-your-own-beer bar. We danced on the table, did shots of Becherovka and ate on adorably terrifying-looking wedding cake in the shape of a snail.
Isaac and I met by complete accident. I had two hours to kill in between work and a date, so I went to an event that my friend was organizing. In comes a long-haired blonde man whose pick-up line is, “I’m American and I’m bilingual.” My friends and I looked at each other with mild amusement – my own “pentalingual” abilities paled in comparison to my companions.
Somehow, this awkward man made his way over and sat right next to me. We were at this overpriced tourist trap bar called 360 because the bar slowly turns in circles. It was very disorienting, especially a few drinks in. The bar has since been shut down. I blame the dizziness for the fact that I gave Isaac my number after he knocked over my full, overpriced beer, shattering the glass at my feet.
Anyway, fast forward three years of travel, living together, a mutual love for our snail pets, a running-sushi engagement and plans to move to China together… Our small wedding didn’t require much planning. But even a tiny, simple wedding can be stressful. I organized everything and left Isaac in charge of the cake.
The Snail Cake
He wanted it to be a surprise so all I knew about the cake is that it would be chocolate and enough to feed 15 people. What they don’t tell you when they make a wedding cake is that the portions are way off. Our 15 guests ate the cake and then my bachelorette party of 10 ate the cake. (Yes my bachelorette party was the day after the wedding; nothing was conventional.) After that, Isaac and I ate it daily for weeks until it was a sad sliver of two melting eyes staring at you when you opened the fridge. We finally ate them too. It was a delicious cake!
Anyway, Czechs will always tell you that they don’t speak English or that they speak very little. Then they proceed to speak great English. But as an English teacher, Isaac perfected phrasing things in a way that non-native speakers will understand or can easily Google translate. This is how his conversation with the cake store went…
This is where I picture poor Thomas wondering if he was confusing the meaning of the word snail. Doing a google search and saying yup, they want a hlemýžď cake… this must be a prank….
By “submit your own idea” he actually means, “what the actual f*ck are you talking about?” You’ll never guess what Isaac does next…
Let me show you a better view of this photo for your flabbergasm:
I used to dabble in snail photography by the way.
This is where they laugh in Isaac’s face and tell him to go suck an egg, right? Nope.
What the actual f*ck?! These people are angels to have so much patience. Finally, instead of asking this strange foreign man to pay in advance for this ridiculous cake that is probably a prank… they say this.
If you want an amazing wedding cake (whether snail-themed or something that a regular adult would prefer), check out KVP Gastro. They created this delicious monstrosity that made my wedding day extra special. Also, when Isaac picked it up, the entire the staff came out to meet the weirdo who ordered the infamous snail cake.
So, four years after this wonderfully silly occasion, how will we celebrate? Not with a snail cake unfortunately… we’ll be drinking Moët & Chandon and eating sushi like a boring old married couple. All while freaking out over how young we looked at our wedding. We had such baby faces :'(